I'd heard frae the boys white shrooms were like, and tae be honest I couldnae wait tae try thum masel'. Me and Tagg went doon tae the playing fields wi' a placcy bag and picked a couplae hunner o' the these things, tiny wee toadstools raither than mushrooms, wi' a nipple on the top an' black gills below. I took a while tae be confident aboot whit I was picking, though, cuz Tagg telt me tae watch oot fir their near relative which had the nipples but white gills. They'd gi'e ye a buzz, but ye'd end up deid. Anyway, we got wursels this bagfae, and gi'ed Prune a ring tae get him tae come doon for the night an' a'.

Tagg decided that he wasnae really too intae havin' another trip so soon after his first yin, that had been the weekend before. Ah'd run intae him and another couple o' mates in the Selkirk, and they'd seemed quite normal at first, but he telt me later that it had taken them all their psychological strength tae keep the tops o' thur heids on when they were orderin' their pints, and they only stayed in the bar for ten minutes before they had tae make a quick exit tae the open air. He said he'd had some problem wi' nettles as well, but I couldnae really work that yin out, leastways not before Ah'd taken the great leap forward maself.

So, me and Tagg and Prune met round at Tagg's house, and me and Prune forced thirty five o' these slimy wee mushrooms doon oor throats. That was hard work for a stert, cuz although they tasted vaguely like yer average mushroom, the texture was much more like grass, and there was an awful temptation tae retch them all back up. However, we persisted, and then set off for the Arden House before we were too out of it tae get there, Tagg tae nursemaid us in case we got too outrageous, Prune knowing what was coming to him, and me wondering precisely when these things were going tae take effect.

We got tae the pub without any adventures at all, and I was beginning tae wonder whether I had an immunity tae psychedelics, when I felt the tingling in the tips of my fingers, and at that point I also started to wonder whether IT HAD BEEN A GOOD IDEA?? It was a bit late tae worry about that kind of thing, though, so I put it tae the back o my mind, as the general rule seemed tae be, "Don't get uptight or ye're absolutely shafted". I sat down at the Space Invaders, and took a pull of ma pint, Prune took the other set of controls, and we got down tae some alien bashing. Not for long, though, as it soon struck us both (simultaneously) that these poor wee things were getting crapped on from a great height, and that it was us that was doing the crapping.

I cannae remember who was the first to drop the controls, but anyway it wasnae too long before we were both sitting with our shoulders hunched up tae our necks, hands dropped tae our sides, and doleful expressions on, as we contemplated the advancing rows of aliens, too conscientious tae bother too much about hitting them back. We were saying things tae each other about how it was a real shame tae kill them, and attracting some fairly dodgy looks form the other folk in the bar, who were not party to the idea that pubs were for anything other than getting drunk in.

So then Prune suggested a game of pool, which also turned out tae be a barrel of laughs. For a start, it's more than a bit dodgy tryin' tae hit a cue ball wi' a rubber cue thit's ayeways veerin' off tae the side, sniffin' oot bastard Shakin' Stevens fans wi' its infallible tip. Then when ye do get the thing under control, the cue-ball mysteriously absorbs the tip, hangs where it is fur a second, and careers oaf round the table, missing every ball ye can legitimately lay claim to, and likely as not flying off over the cushion and intae the path of said Shaky sadophiles. Somehow I managed tae wipe Prune oaf the table, but then I was faced by the next chap on, and he hadnae even been drinkin'. He was mair confused than amused when I burst into giggles at every pathetic attempt tae make contact wi' the target, so eventually I gave it up as a bad job.

Efter that, I don't really remember much, until I was outside and makin' ma way back doon the road. Things seemed to be okay for a while, the fresh air must have been clearing my head. Sneaky bastards, heads.

Heads know how to get ye, cuz as soon as we got tae the river, where there was a clear view of the hills beyond, who should appear riding six times larger than life on a gargantuan charger than Robert the Bruce! I pointed him out tae Tagg and stood stock still with my mouth hangin' open like ma Auntie Peg watchin' Crossroads. Tagg didnae seem too impressed though. Next thing I knew I was sittin' down on the pavement talkin' tae a passin' family o slugs, whose movements were as comprehensible and steady as any boat makin for the sea, and a damn sight less challenging to my sanity than the cars squealin' by like demented swarms of fireflies.

Eventually, it all seemed to calm down a bit, and Tagg managed tae guide me along the river and intae the town again. The night was bright and clear, the water mair like a loch than a river, and I enjoyed the occasional swooshes of bird-noise and tree-rustling reverberating through my heid like snatches of synthesised reality. Which is what it was, I suppose.

Ah'd say that being up on those shrooms was like feeding things ye see, hear, feel, taste and touch every day intae a sampler, and then playing them back out in a different sequence. If ye're lucky, as I think I was that night, ye get a tune that ye want and can shuffle round the flair tae. If ye're not up for it though, and I've had and seen that a few times since, ye might end up wi' a night of worst dreams, the Room 101 of the sense and sensibilities, every dead-head bastard chunterin' on at ye, and ye're powerless tae stop or interrupt, hostility in every eye, yer feet won't reach the ground, the whispers are all about YOU. And the thing is, whilst you might feel that way, nearly everybody you come into contact with won't notice a thing! You are the alien, so either enjoy it for the time it lasts, or jump right back inside the machine. But there's no way ye'll get anything like it any other way. It's an alternate take on reality, and while there's no lasting benefit in it, I havenae found the message frae Meg Mortimer or her successors yet either.

Doubled up in my bed later that night, waiting for my kidneys tae subside, though, I wasn't too bothered about Noel Gordon's teachings. I'd certainly never heard that watching Crossroads makes yer quilt want tae draw yer body up intae the stratosphere.